8 things you shouldn’t apologize for, even out of politeness
'04.03.2020'
Source: Life hacker
Don’t take over other people's problems and imposed guilt, recommends Lifehacker.
Why not apologize:
1. For saying no
You have the right to refuse almost any request, offer or demand. And if the task is not part of your duties or you have not previously made any promises to a person, then you should not apologize for your “no” and feel guilty.
- You are asked to stay at work, but you are very tired and wanted to get home as soon as possible? "No, I can’t, I have other plans."
- They are trying to get to know you, but you are not looking for a relationship or do you not like the person? “No, I’m not interested, all the best.”
- A friend wants you to help him transport things, and you plan to go somewhere to unwind on this day? "Will not work. But the telephone is a great carrier. ”
- A partner wants sex, but you don’t? "Come on not today: I really want to sleep."
Many have been taught from childhood to be exemplary boys and girls who are terribly afraid of upsetting others and would rather sacrifice their time and comfort than refuse. Therefore, we are trying to somehow smooth out the negative answer with apologies and excuses. But this is not at all necessary, and sometimes even harmful: if your interlocutor is a manipulator, he will try to use your weakness to insist on his own.
Of course, do not forget that the rule works both ways. Other people also have the right to refuse you, and their "no" must be accepted calmly.
2. For not meeting someone's expectations
This paragraph is somewhat similar to the first: if you promised nothing to people, you should not apologize for their shattered illusions. Be it parents who believe that you must live according to their plan, a partner who wants to fit you into the framework of an ideal wife or husband, or a friend who decided that you will always share all his interests and views.
Your image, which a person created in his head, and his expectations are not your responsibility (unless, of course, you deliberately misled him). You do not have to serve other people's interests and adapt to other people's desires, even if they are offended, crushed and try to inspire guilt.
3. For spending money on yourself
Some people feel selfish when they buy something for their own needs, even if it is the most necessary. It seems to them that all the money should be invested in the family: in the education of children, in the mortgage, in joint leave.
But to please yourself and even more so to buy something basic like clothes, shoes or medicines is absolutely normal. Yes, there are situations when a family has serious financial difficulties and, having bought a cake and a cup of tea in a cafe, you will leave your loved ones without dinner. But if no one is starving or sitting in debt, then you do not need to apologize for spending on yourself.
On the subject: Do not be like this: 5 ways to spoil even the most sincere apology
4. For the fact that your opinion is different from someone else's
Your views on life may not coincide with the views of your colleagues, friends and relatives. Let's say you don’t like going to corporate parties, don’t celebrate traditional holidays and look at political events differently from your surroundings. In some situations, you can completely remain silent, but sometimes you have to declare your position and defend it.
If at the same time you behave correctly, do not be rude, do not impose your point of view on anyone, you have nothing to apologize for. You are just expressing your opinion and should not feel awkward because of this.
5. For the fact that people do their job
Once in a nail salon, I heard a client sit down at a table with a master and began to make excuses: “Sorry, I haven’t done anything with my nails for a long time, my cuticle has grown a lot.” But in such situations, there is simply no need to apologize. The person provides the service you paid for, and does not do you a favor. It is unlikely that you will begin to apologize to the surgeon for the fact that your appendix has become inflamed, or to apologize to the tutor, because you do not know his subject.
6. For breaking a toxic relationship
If you are not lucky and you become a victim of a tyrant and a manipulator, whether it be a friend, relative or loved one, you are not to blame for what happened. When one causes moral or physical pain to another, the aggressor is always to blame, not the victim. Breaking out of such a relationship is the only right decision. But apologizing for the fact that you do not want to endure the torment anymore, you definitely should not. Even if you are trying to prove the opposite.
7. For wanting to be alone
Solitude helps to put in order thoughts and feelings. Doctors agree that each person should periodically spend time alone with himself. Therefore, your refusal to go to a noisy party or the desire to walk alone in the park is not a reason to feel guilty and ask for forgiveness from friends or family.
On the subject: Is it necessary to teach a child to apologize: the opinion of a psychologist
8. For someone else's behavior
You are responsible only for your own actions, and the behavior of other adults and capable people does not depend on you. So if your friend, relative or even an adult child does something wrong - let down someone, cheat, offend, nahit, this person should apologize for what happened on his own.
What to say instead of an apology
It happens that you don’t feel guilty and there’s absolutely nothing to ask for forgiveness for. But you still want to somehow mitigate the denial or unpleasant situation. Here's what you can do:
- To express regret: "I am very sorry that I can not help you."
- Recognize the interlocutor’s emotions: “I understand that you are very upset that I can’t come, I would be saddened too.”
- Suggest an alternative: “Today I can’t sit with your child. But my sister can be with him: she does not mind. ”
