Not to give the child the right to make a mistake, to control every step he takes, to strive for the child to realize your unfulfilled dreams - the best ways to grow a complex and infantile person, just do not think.
In case you want the opposite, Mel.fm gathered seven important rules of education from a child psychologist Julia Gippenreiter.
1. Love the child just like that
It is very important for the child to know that he is accepted and loved unconditionally. Not because he did his homework, managed not to tear his trousers and was generally well-behaved, otherwise he would live in constant fear that if he did something wrong, he would lose the right to parental love. It seems to parents that it is worthwhile to give them slack, once again looking tenderly at the child and telling him how dear he is to them, he will immediately get rid of his hands. Fortunately, everything is not quite like that.
“The reason for the widely existing appraisal attitude towards children lies in the firm belief that rewards and punishments are the main educational tools. Praise a child - and he will be strengthened in good, punish him - and evil will retreat. But the trouble is: they are not always reliable, these tools. Who does not know such a pattern: the more the child is scolded, the worse it becomes. Why is this happening? And because the upbringing of a child is not a dressur at all. Parents do not exist to develop conditioned reflexes in children. ”
2. Do not interfere with its natural development.
If a child wants to climb everywhere, constantly gets dirty, walks through puddles, something breaks, breaks and asks a million questions - it just means that everything is fine with him. So he tries himself and shows the curiosity necessary for his development.
The best thing you can do is not interfere. Curiosity can quickly fade away if the child only hears "do not ask stupid questions", "grow up - you learn" and "enough for you to do stupid things." The involvement of parents in the development of the child should support his natural aspirations, rather than extinguish them, replacing them with others that are more important or useful from their point of view.
“You need to be very attentive to children's self-development. Methods of early development, early reading, and early preparation for school began to spread. But children have to play before school! ”
3. Encourage independence
It is equally important not to interfere with the child to make the first attempts to be independent. The desire of the child to tie his own shoelaces must be met with attention and respect, even if you are in a hurry. At the same time silent attention - without prompts, advice and criticisms. If every time you rush to do everything for a child with the words "give me" and "you do not succeed," he rather quickly stops even trying to do something himself.
“Refrain from criticism! If you show a sincere interest in his work, then your mutual respect and acceptance will increase. In addition, an adult should not intervene if the child is busy and does not ask for help. With such non-interference, the parent says: you can do it, you have the strength. ”
4. Let the child take responsibility
The older the child becomes, the more things appear that he needs to be allowed to handle himself. Gradually, he will begin to independently cross the street, do homework, choose friends. Let him do it, but set boundaries of freedom: for example, agree that he can choose when to sit down for lessons, but by eight o'clock in the evening everything should be done. Independence should not fall on a child in a flash: before each step you need to talk to him and explain that you give him more freedom, not because you are tired of watching this and “let it do what he wants, but because you believe that he will cope. And still be around - in case you need help.
“There are some objections like this:“ How can I not wake him up? After all, he will sleep for sure, and then there will be big trouble at school? “. Or: "If I will not force her to do her homework, she will grab two!". Paradoxically, but your child needs a negative experience, of course, if he does not threaten his life or health. Allow your child to face the negative consequences of their actions (or their inaction). Only then will he grow up and become "conscious". "
5. Do not confuse care and parent dictation
Parents, of course, should participate in the child's life - but in no case should she live for her. Regardless of their unrealized ambitions, the child will have their own desires and interests. To take care is to first of all listen to the desires of the child, and not to follow the principle “I know how it will be better for him”.
“When a child no longer knows what he wants, because he is not used to listening to himself, this is just the result of parental dictation. He is helpless in this sense, and this is the worst. ”
6. Do not criticize
As he grows up, the child will have to face various difficult issues, and it will be much easier for him to cope with this if he gets used to talking about them with his parents. Trust is built on good attitude: if your first reaction to a child’s revelation is criticism, condemnation or inattention, the second time he will not tell anything.
“Imagine your best friend. How you smile when you meet, how you enjoy it. It is unlikely that in the company of a friend you begin the first thing to criticize, indicate and evaluate. ”
7. Talk to your child about your feelings.
So that your sincerity does not acquire the form of ordinary reproaches, use “I-messages” - this way you will be able to express your negative feelings in a non-conflict manner. For example, instead of "Well, what a sight you have!" You can say "I do not like it when my children go tattered because I am ashamed in front of my neighbors."
““ I-message ”gives children the opportunity to get to know us parents more closely. Often, we close the children with an armor of “authority”, which we try to support by all means. We wear the mask of the “educator” and are afraid to lift it at least for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel something at all! This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes an adult closer, more humane. ”
Understanding the child is important, but it is equally important to convey to him what you feel. After all, there cannot be real intimacy between people, if one of them is not completely frank, Julia Gippenreiter is convinced.