The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

7 ways to communicate with relatives so that they do not sit on the neck

'10.11.2020'

Source: AdMe.ru

French writer Etienne Rey said that a family is a group of people who are connected by blood ties and quarreled about money issues. The less often we meet with relatives, the better the relationship between us, whatever one may say. But how to communicate with relatives who cannot be pushed into the background? AdMe.ru have carefully studied this issue and have identified several tips that will help make communication with loved ones more comfortable.

Photo: Shutterstock

Set aside one day to meet with relatives

Family members often require a lot of attention, especially the elderly. This is expressed in constant calls and requests to come, supposedly on business, but in fact for communication. Such requests cannot be dismissed: loved ones may feel abandoned and lonely. The most important thing in such a business is to find a balance.

You can choose one day and fully devote it to relatives. They will know not to bother you in the middle of the week: there is a certain day for a trip to the country.

For many years my mother has owned Saturday. All friends know this. Alternatively, determine the day that you will fully devote to your relatives, and they will be sure that it is completely at their disposal, and will not pull you over the little things.

Solve all problems with your husband's relatives through your husband

Even if you have excellent relations with your spouse's relatives, it is better to communicate on all controversial issues through him. Keep the sweet part for yourself - invite them over and tell them the good news.

All painful conversations should take place without your participation: everyone knows what happens to the head of a bad messenger. For example, if you are going to go on a long-awaited vacation, and your husband's parents want to join you, the husband will have to refuse them.

When my husband and I started the first renovation in our life, the mother-in-law immediately joined in with advice: what wallpaper to buy, what curtains to hang. I was silent, but my husband, well done, tactfully asked my mother not to go into a strange monastery with his charter. And after that, she never again imposed her opinion. I was very grateful to him. © Elena Eletskova / Facebook

Ditch the parent-child model

American psychologist Eric Berne put forward a theory according to which there are 3 egos in every person: a child, an adult and a parent. We are constantly jumping from one role to another. Sometimes the child wins. For example, when instead of working, we sit down to watch a series.

Sometimes in a relationship, someone takes on the role of a parent, and someone takes on the role of a child. The parent makes decisions and generally behaves like a caring mom. It is better to refuse such a relationship. Taking care of your spouse does not mean becoming his third parent. It turns out that you and your mother-in-law are competing for who will "take care of your son" more - hence the constant conflicts. If the husband is used to mom's attention, leave these functions to her: let her control whether he ate before work. Your husband is a grown man. Let mom be a mom, and you - a beloved woman who needs attention and love.

Once I was told to make sure that my husband always wears a T-shirt, as without it his stomach constantly gets cold. My husband was 30 years old at that time. © Aijan / AdMe

Learn to distinguish when relatives just need attention and when they have real problems

Take a close look at the behavior of relatives and learn to determine when you are being manipulated, and when loved ones really have problems. Manipulators use the words "never" and "always", substitute concepts. For example, a grandmother, who gives a lot of advice, responds to her dissatisfaction: “Well, you can't help it anymore? I want what's best. " Or mom throws the phrase: "I am everything - for you, all my youth - for you, but you cannot take me to the dacha." This is manipulation, giving and love are not connected in any way. You need to respond directly to such attacks, for example: “I am grateful to you for everything you have done, but I cannot help with this. I love you".

My mother sincerely believes that I should have found such a son-in-law for her who would take her in a car to the country. The main thing is not to lose your sense of humor and not feel like a victim, otherwise manipulators will immediately turn into tyrants. But when, for example, I benignly ridicule her claims, she begins to laugh and with the words: "I love to bicker with you," - leaves me alone. © Zhanna Korol / Facebook

On the subject: What to do if you are terribly annoyed by your husband's relatives

Learn to say no

We are grateful to our relatives, acquaintances and friends for their love, support and support. But sometimes their simple requests come more and more often and go beyond reasonable. If you feel like your relatives are on your neck, it's time to learn how to say the word "no".

If it is difficult to refuse the conversation outright, try referring to the calendar. Pretend that you are checking plans, and then send an SMS with a refusal to your interlocutor. Don't make excuses or go into details. Another move: agree to fulfill the request, but at the same time make it inconvenient for the person asking. For example: “Yes, I can lend you money. But the day after tomorrow I have to leave, will you sit with my cat and dog for 2 weeks? "

I don't really like it when you have to replace someone and lend to someone. On my weekends, I try to do all the things: go to the hospital, to the hairdresser, I specially negotiate the dates so as not to let anyone down. And no one ever replaces me. And lately I've started to say no to my shift, although I felt lousy. And I also have a "friend" who consistently asks me for money at the end of the month. When I told her that I never lend money to anyone at all, she switched to my boyfriend: she offered to ask for a loan from him. Agrrrh, infuriates. © Little / AdMe

Respond to tactlessness so that you no longer want to ask

Arrogance can be tolerated, but sometimes loved ones overstep the boundaries. If relatives constantly ask uncomfortable questions, you should not swallow the offense. At the same time, being rude in response is strictly prohibited. Try to put relatives in place gently but strictly. For example, to questions about whether you are planning to have children, you can answer like this: “Of course we are. There will be news - let us know. "

The art of fighting rudeness is a path of great pain and constant training, which ultimately leads to the fact that people generally begin to be wary of talking to you after the first couple of sentences. © Raistlin Majere / AdMe

The answer "I don't know" is universal

Many have faced the situation: if you want to help, give advice, but in the end you remain guilty. In order not to be known among relatives as being "harmful and all-knowing", give less advice. The most universal answer to any question is "I don't know."

Of course, if you understand that your loved ones will not do without your help, warn them that the decision will always remain with them. According to psychologists, the best thing you can do is not to make recommendations, but just listen carefully.

There is such a category of "harmful counselors" who mostly go over the ears of very young girls who still do not understand all the harmfulness of such advice: “I have vowed to give advice after one incident. Beloved cousin got married, but unsuccessfully, as it seemed to her. I supported her when she decided to divorce, I even helped write a letter to him. In the end, of course, they made up, and I am the main enemy, we have not communicated for 3 years. "

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