How to turn on healthy selfishness and stop pleasing others
'23.06.2022'
Source: Life hacker
Turn on healthy selfishness and do not try to increase self-esteem through the approval of others, recommends Life hacker.
Sometimes we do what we do not want, just to not upset others. Some have so masterfully mastered the art of pleasing, that they themselves no longer understand why they feel discomfort. After all, they have long ceased to pay attention to their own needs.
The reason for this behavior is simple: we all want to be liked, we expect approval, love and care. But the root of the problem is low self-esteem. It is she who encourages us to perform energy-consuming, unusual actions for us, giving up our own comfort in favor of the convenience of other people.
These five steps will help you recover.
1. Allow yourself to be yourself
If you are called to a football match and you hate sports, but agree, as this can strengthen your friendship or romantic relationship, you go against yourself. Be honest with yourself and with the inviter. Admit (first of all to yourself) that you do not like this idea. Pretense and desire to do good will sooner or later turn against you.
“During our first date with my husband, he did not interest me at all romantically, I perceived him as a friend. I didn't care if he liked me. I didn't try to be better than what I really am. No masks, omissions or hints. He saw the real me and eventually fell in love. People are attracted to sincerity!” says coach Sarah Fabian.
Being yourself is normal. There are no perfect people, and you are no exception. But your flaws make you unique. Stay true to your thoughts and emotions. Live your life.
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2. Stop evaluating yourself through the prism of public opinion
Almost everyone knows the fear of public speaking. Most people on stage feel insecure because they care more about what the audience thinks about them than about the information they want to convey.
In search of approval from others, we turn into their hostages. But we cannot control their feelings, thoughts and actions, but we bear full responsibility for ours.
“When I realized that the opinions of others do not define me, I felt free. Some perceive me as a smart and talented person. Others think that I am a mediocre or even a poor speaker. To some, I am beautiful. For others, no. Everyone has their own standards of beauty and intelligence, and this has nothing to do with me,” says Fabian.
Do what you can and how you can, improve every day. Love and approve of yourself - you do not need others for this. You can't please everyone, no matter how hard you try. Other people's opinion of you is nothing more than their perception, filtered through their own expectations and prejudices. You are beautiful and worthy of happiness, not because others think so, but because one day you decided to believe in it.
3. Set adequate boundaries with the outside world
One of the most difficult conditions on the path to inner independence is the ability to say “no” to what you really do not want to do without feeling selfish, guilty, or overly worried about the reaction of the interlocutor.
“At work, I used to often agree to perform tasks that were not part of my duties and required time that I did not have. But one day I decided to give up and see what happens. Surprisingly, nothing happened at all. I just started talking out loud about my needs, and no one was against it, ”admitted the coach.
Realize that you are saying “no” to a task or proposal, not a person, while rejecting it. In fact, you cannot disappoint anyone. People get frustrated with their own expectations of you. And this is their area of responsibility, not yours.
When you agree or reject the request, which gives you discomfort, you form the attitude of others towards yourself. And you decide whether to allow anyone to use you. And whether to assume the obligation to entertain people and make them happy.
Whenever you devote time to others, you give them part of your life. So spend your precious time on people who support you and accept you as you are. Setting boundaries in relationships may seem like a manifestation of selfishness. In fact, this is a form of self-esteem and self-care.
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4. Learn to speak confidently
Sometimes it’s hard to say no just because you don’t know how to express yourself clearly and confidently. And you are afraid that this may sound aggressive or impolite. Learn to refuse without hurting anyone.
Here are some simple language to get you started:
Right now (this week / this month) I cannot do this.
Now I have too many other things to do.
Thanks for the invitation, but I can’t at this time.
I can’t go with you, but then be sure to tell how everything went.
Maybe another time. I will be glad to invite you next week.
Sounds great, but no thanks.
5. Become your best friend
Stop expecting other people to make you happy and guess about your needs and desires. Give yourself priority. Do what brings you joy.
Loving yourself as a person is not selfishness, but a necessity. Get rid of negative evaluative statements about yourself: "I'm stupid", "I'm too fat", "I'm spoiling everything." Treat yourself with dignity and respect. And then praise from the outside will become an organic bonus, and not a life goal.
Just realize that the only person who is always present in your life day and night, year after year, is yourself. And when you are in a harmonious relationship with yourself, you don't need other people to fill the holes in your own self-worth.
