Five Signs You're a Toxic Mom
'16.04.2022'
Source: Rambler
Parents always want the best. But they are not ideal. And sometimes it is those who consider themselves the most ideal who can unconsciously make mistakes.
Therefore, it is sometimes useful for every parent to take a look at themselves from the outside and check if you are, for example, a toxic mother - one that, with her upbringing, sometimes not wanting it at all, poisons the life of a child, writes Rambler.
1. You all criticize
You consider it your sacred maternal duty to inform the child about all his mistakes, oversights and weaknesses in order to raise a good and right person. Because you believe in whip motivation. There are a lot of whips in your collection - and different ones. You are firmly convinced that the character of the child must be tempered. And the idea that steel needs to be tempered, and a child needs to be loved, is alien and incomprehensible to you. Because "if not me, then who will tell her the whole truth-womb?"
You naively believe that, having heard your criticism, the child will feel gratitude and a burning desire to fix everything.
Something like this: “Oh, thank you, mommy, for opening my eyes to the fact that I'm lazy! But I didn't know! And I didn’t understand where all the problems in my life came from! Well, now, thanks to you, I get it! Right now, I will drop everything and start being disciplined and active. How nice it is to always feel the love and support of a mother who will always see what is wrong and show! What would I do without you, mother, did!
2. You're greedy for praise
You have a problem with gingerbread. You don't have gingerbread for motivation. And you also do not see a barrel of honey, taking all the good things for granted. A child must be perfect, right? Therefore, “why mention this barrel of honey?”. It’s more likely that the icons will become myrrh than you will tell your daughter that she’s done well, that you are grateful for her help and how proud you are of her (or him, if you have a son). In general, praise spoils the child. He will also think that he is perfection, and stop trying. And he cannot be perfect, because perfection is you. And he is up to you, like walking to the moon!
3. All actions of the child you perceive as a personal insult
The son didn’t just forget to wash the dishes after him, no, no, he “to spite me left the dishes in the sink knowing that I would come home from work tired as a dog.”
And the daughter is not just upset that she has nothing to wear to the party, not-e-e, she reproaches you that you are “a bad mother and you cannot provide her with clothes like others, although you are already plowing one and a half shifts! ".
And, of course, the child deliberately “spoils and loses things, because he doesn’t think about how hard” you earn them, forgets to fulfill your requests, because he “doesn’t give a damn about you.” He does not study well, because he wants to wag your nerves, he is sick so that you do not sleep at night. The child was born to make you sacrifice your career and lives to make your life a living hell.
4. Your “talk” with the child is a one-way monologue on raised voices
Because: - What can you tell me? “I myself know very well why you did it (see paragraph 3 above)! - Oh, I just don't need your explanation! “And I don’t need your apologies either!” Your rhetorical questions (not suggesting an answer): - How could you do that? “Could you ever think with your head?” - Yes, how many can you repeat? Are you an idiot? - How long will this go on? - Why does everyone have children like children, and I have this?
In response to them, the child is supposed to lower his head low, pull it into his shoulders and stand dejectedly, feeling the deepest sense of guilt and allowing mommy to splash out accusations until she feels better.
And then, having waited for the signal phrase “march to your room, there will be no computer today!”, Slowly leave.
There is only one correct opinion in your communication, and it is always yours! And the ultimate truth is you too. You are smart. You have the same experience! You know.
5. You punish a child with blackmail and emotional blackmail
You walk with a stone face, dousing the child with cold and detachment. Just a little bit, you stop talking to him, turn away, do not answer questions, recoil from his touch and reject his apology. For a long time. For an hour… a day or a week. Which for a child means close to "forever". Without mother's love. Without mother's acceptance. No heat. Without the presence of her soul. With an impenetrable stone wall between you. With the understanding that mother's love, it turns out, is so unsteady, weak and unreliable. And can not stand even a simple childish mistake or emotion.
And the child grows up with the feeling that his mother does not love him, she loves only certain of his behavior. And you have to constantly walk on tiptoe and deserve this love. Otherwise, universal cold. And in response to an even more fatal conclusion: “So you can’t love me. It's my pleasure. Even if my mother could not love me ... ".
Emotional blackmail is your favorite parenting tool: - Well, wait, you ask me for something! - I do not like the way I talk to you? Here I will send you to live with my father, you will quickly understand who is good, who is bad! - You will bring me to a heart attack soon!
The result of this upbringing
Alas, deplorable. Your daughter (or son) will grow up insecure and unhappy. Not knowing what she wants and unable to get it. She will live with an eye on the opinions of others, with a chronic sense of guilt in her soul, with a fear of being herself.
She will forever deserve the love of her husband and friends by sacrificing her thoughts, feelings and desires. Pleasing others. By betraying YOURSELF. And not living your life.
Or the second scenario: he (or she) will mortify his soul in order not to feel this pain. And he will grow up to be a rather closed and insensitive person. Incapable of trust, empathy, emotional openness and intimacy. And in turn, as a red banner being passed, he will continue to bear this “curse to the seventh knee”: criticism, disrespect and aggression. This will be his way of communicating with his wife, children, and with you in old age. But seriously, such behavior catastrophically destroys the child's self-esteem and clips his wings.
But the only reason why you do this is because you also grew up in a family with a toxic parent. And if this is your case, I sincerely sympathize with you, because I know that you suffered in your childhood. And I also have no doubt that you love your child very much and want only the best for him, so I wish you to realize the parenting model that does not help your child, and not pass it on to the next generation.
