20 psychologist's answers to uncomfortable questions that you were embarrassed to ask out loud
'17.08.2020'
Source: Adme
Going to a psychologist or a psychotherapist, unfortunately, is still considered something shameful: only a small percentage of people with problems visit professionals. This is understandable: sometimes the issues that worry a person are so personal that it is embarrassing to discuss them even with loved ones, not like with a stranger. Author AdMe.ru went to the psychologist Yekaterina Shustova to ask those same shameful but burning questions.
1. “It seems to me that all people are stupider than me. Is it people or me? "
The problem is that sometimes we underestimate others and do not recognize their right to their own choice - how and to what extent to develop. Everyone has their own threshold for a comfortable development zone: someone is constantly reaching for new knowledge, and someone is small enough - this does not always mean stupidity. Try to notice the good qualities of the people around you, observe them, learn something from them. Grow in your chosen scenario and let others do the same. You will become more comfortable communicating with people!
2. “I want to become an interesting person, but I don’t do anything for this. How to overcome yourself? "
To begin with, put aside the concepts of "personality" and "interesting person" and understand who you are, where you are going, what you want to do. Do not analyze other people's lives, fantasizing about how interesting and self-sufficient everyone around is. It's especially easy to think this way when flipping through the feed on social networks, so try to spend less time on it.
Develop critical thinking. Read good, time-tested literature and be sure to track your attitude towards what you read. If the author is successful and authoritative, this does not mean at all that you have to agree with him. Form your opinion, analyze, check information, learn to disagree and argue.
And be sure to understand for yourself in which direction you want to develop and grow. “Interesting person” is a rather vague concept. But how much a person is developed can be tracked. Develop yourself in directions that are interesting to you, learn from other people. And don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone, even if you're scared. These are the basic steps required to develop a personality.
3. “I am afraid to express my opinion because I am afraid of objections. What to do?"
In order not to be afraid of objections, you need to be confident in your opinion. And for this - to understand why you think in this way and not otherwise. "Because I see it that way, period" - will work too. Objections have always been and will be, constructive and not, so you just need to get used to them and learn to feel what to answer: in what form and in what tone. And in some cases it will be better not to answer at all or just smile.
An objection is just the harmless opinion of another person who has a right to it. Realize that there are many points of view on any question, and accept this as you accept, for example, the variety of eye shapes - there is and is. And you can also benefit from objections: for some reason, your interlocutor thinks so and not otherwise. Perhaps you should enter into a dialogue with him and learn something new.
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4. “How to learn to pull yourself together and complete the necessary tasks on time? Conscience torments, but I continue to break all deadlines "
- There are many reasons for procrastination, such as fear of failure or the belief that the upcoming activity is boring. Although the so-called “tomorrow” syndrome is a problem for so many, its causes are different for everyone. But here are some tips:
- Organize your day: make a plan and write it down.
- Take time to relax between activities. During such a pause, you will really relax, and not worry, they say, time passes, and I am not doing anything.
- Arrange "half-breaks": these are useful but pleasant things for you like reading, learning languages, light cleaning. Pay with this "currency" for productive work.
- Analyze what worries you: fear of mistakes or criticism, or maybe fear of success (it also happens)? Try to find the cause and work it out - yourself or with a psychologist.
Procrastination takes more energy and nerves than important things, instills in us a feeling of guilt and shame, makes us anxious. Well, why do we need it?
5. “All my friends have many hobbies and goals, but I have nothing. How do I understand what I really want? "
The first step is to stop comparing yourself to others. Take a break in finding yourself and spend this time to good use: separate your own desires from those imposed on you by your parents and friends.
- Take a pen and a piece of paper and make a list of activities you don't like. And think about why. So you will reduce the variety of options several times.
- Now it will be easier to make a list of what you like. Just do not analyze how popular and prestigious these hobbies are - just write what comes to mind.
- Re-read the list and opposite each activity try to write its “meaning”: personal, cultural, social - whatever.
- Considering these factors, choose the activities that are most attractive to you from the list. And try it!
It may be unpleasant and even scary for you - this is how the fear of making a mistake with the choice, internal resistance is manifested. And that's okay! Expose this fear, tell him: "Hi, I see you!" And do not listen to those who rush you with choice and self-realization. Move at your own pace: the chosen activity will not work - go back to the list and try the following.
Don't chase the Great Purpose. The main thing is to fill life with meaning that matches your desires.
6. “What if I don’t know how to accept compliments? When they praise me, I laugh it off or translate the topic "
Our response to compliments is a reflection of our self-worth. And if self-esteem is underestimated, then the compliment causes an internal contradiction in us. It also provokes discomfort. It is not at all necessary that you have low self-esteem in general - it may be deficient in specific areas. Think: Are you embarrassed to accept compliments always or under certain circumstances from certain people? Perhaps their age, gender, status somehow affect. Analyze this - you will discover a lot of interesting things!
Banal but effective self-esteem advice: write a list of your good qualities. When we write such lists, the neurons in the head line up in a certain way, and then, when we hear a compliment, the brain remembers what was written and we are no longer surprised by the praise: after all, we ourselves think about ourselves the same way. So there will be no awkwardness.
7. “I noticed that for different people I have different models of behavior. So I'm a hypocrite? "
The good news is that you most likely have high social intelligence - the ability to recognize the emotions of others and behave appropriately. Each of us has a different social role for different people (for example, no one communicates with mom as with the boss, and with the boss as with a girlfriend in a cafe). But the higher the social intelligence, the more such roles it can cover. This is an advantage, not a disadvantage! The main thing is that neither other people nor you should suffer from your actions. Listen to yourself if you are comfortable in these social roles - it will be easier to separate yourself from these roles.
8. “How to overcome everyday laziness? The houses are often so untidy that it's even a shame to invite guests. "
Consider the reasons for laziness. Often household chores are perceived as boring and monotonous - for the most part they are. But the reality is that doing boring things periodically is necessary. And this does not mean at all that there are no ways to diversify the process.
- Find the positives of cleaning: extra physical activity, relief from anxiety and guilt, and cleaner air and more beautiful selfies.
- Play music, a podcast, or a fun video in the background.
- Call your family or friends, with whom you did not have time, place a call on speakerphone - and go!
- Upon completion, reward yourself with an hour of complete idleness with a sense of accomplishment.
After a few of these cleanups, you will get involved, I assure you!
9. “I constantly lie to everyone about and without, without noticing it myself. How to get rid of this habit? "
It is important to understand where this habit came from. What truth are you running from and why? Maybe you are not satisfied with something in your life, are you ashamed of something? Or do you feel that the truth is not interesting enough to share with others? Think and you will find the answer. And remember: if you do not want to share some information, you have the right not to share it! Instead of lying, for example, you can gently turn the conversation around.
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10. "How to help yourself if you feel anxious at heart, and all the sedatives have already been drunk?"
It is important to figure out what the cause of your anxiety is, since medications, including herbal ones, are not a solution to the problem, but a way to get rid of its symptoms. We do not worry just like that, for no reason - there is an explanation for any feeling. And here it is important to consider that we cannot always help ourselves, without outside help. Long and unsuccessful attempts to cope with this condition alone can lead to unpleasant consequences such as panic attacks. Take care of yourself, contact a psychologist who, if he sees the need, will direct you to the right specialist. Be healthy!
11. “I’m quite successful, but I still don’t believe in myself. Can this uncertainty be dealt with? "
Self-esteem, oddly enough, does not always depend on real achievements. Low self-esteem just gives rise to a feeling of insecurity, fear of failure in the future. It consists of two aspects: cognitive (your knowledge of yourself) and emotional (measure of self-satisfaction).
Where can your insecurity, that is, a violation of the emotional aspect of self-esteem, be rooted?
- Family education: how often have you been praised and scolded? what values did you instill?
- Pedagogical impact: how did you study and how did your parents, teachers, peers feel about it?
- Social environment: what attitudes and principles do people close to you have?
We come to adulthood with a large baggage of attitudes and words spoken to us earlier. You need to analyze your past: what people could have influenced you, who supported you and how? Seek also in the present: who is around you now? what do you hear about yourself? Dealing with uncertainty is both possible and necessary: it will give you the resources you need to move forward.
12. “How to overcome telephone addiction? I spend whole days on aimless scrolling of Internet pages "
Any habit can be eradicated. But for this, decide for yourself why you need it and what benefit it will bring you. Imagine it in colors, be inspired and make up a couple of rules for breaking which you would be ashamed of yourself. For example, such:
- Do not take your phone with you to the toilet (yes, yes!), But put a magazine, reference book or encyclopedia there - something that you can open on any page and read, learning something interesting.
- Don't touch the phone for an hour after waking up. Instead, drink water, exercise, clean up. And the reward for this will be the opportunity to use the phone.
- Before going to bed, smear your hands with thicker cream and, without any gadgets, comprehend the past day in silence.
- By volitional effort, unsubscribe from at least half of the useless public pages, and in return, subscribe to useful and informative ones. This will definitely reduce the time spent watching the feed - checked!
13. “People close to me have died, but I don’t feel anything. Is it okay that I'm not sad? "
We hear from childhood that we should or should not experience this or that feeling in certain circumstances. But people cannot react to everything in the same way: if only because they have different temperaments and thresholds of sensitivity. We also have strong defense mechanisms that, in moments of grief, can block the manifestations of the bitterness of loss. Sometimes we ourselves forbid ourselves to worry, put off feelings for later, and they remain unexpressed. This is not very good, it is better to throw out emotions right away: let it be not traditional tears, but laughter, screaming - the main thing is not to keep everything to yourself.
If you ask yourself this question, you cannot say that you do not feel anything. Most likely, you feel ashamed, afraid of being "abnormal." Let go of that thought, don't judge yourself. And then you can understand how you really feel.
14. “My wife and I recently had a baby, but I don't feel love for him. Am I a bad father? "
After the birth of a child, every 10th mother feels fear of a new chapter in her life - and this is with the so-called maternal instinct. What can we say about fathers! In addition, as a rule, the young parent keeps this a secret, suffering from feelings of inferiority in the new role. In our culture, there is a stereotype that parents should adore their baby almost from the day of conception. And this cultural pressure spoils the lives of newly minted mothers and fathers. Dads, feeling responsibility, afraid to do something wrong, often distance themselves from the child, and consciousness blocks feelings - therefore it seems that there are no feelings. This does not in any way mean that you are a bad father. Just don't compare yourself with the mythical norm, take care of the baby and love will come.
15. “How to stop yelling at your children? I feel that I am becoming like my cruel mother "
Relax first: there are no perfect parents. But we need to move in this direction. You realize that you are doing wrong - you can be praised! Now make up for yourself a system of rules and punishments for such disruptions. Imagine how your behavior can harm the development of children - you don't want that?
The key to solving the problem is your relationship with your mother. Try to talk to her about your childhood and honestly discuss how you felt, how you felt during her breakdowns. Accept the fact that you are projecting the image of your mother onto yourself, that is, you equate yourself with her. Make a list of its good qualities and try to adopt them by periodically refreshing the list in your head.
16. “I often break my promises to my son for various reasons. Will it somehow affect his psyche? "
Actually, yes, it can be reflected in an extremely unpleasant way. Double standards, which a child often encounter in childhood, shatter an immature psyche and can become one of the causes of schizophrenia at a later age.
But not everything is so bad: if you do not break promises on a regular basis, do not scold the child for what they themselves allowed him to do, then there will be no such dire consequences. However, it is worth remembering that we are adopting the habit of keeping our word from our parents, and this is a rather important social skill. So find the courage to be honest with yourself and your child. If you are not sure that you can buy or do something, say so: "I will try, but I cannot promise."
17. “I am tormented by dreams in which I am unfaithful to my husband. Is this a wake-up call or does it happen to everyone? "
Based on the theory of Sigmund Freud, under the "masks" of different people, you can dream of a completely different person. Including your own husband. Yes, it's amazing, but this is how the censorship mechanism works in our subconscious. Reflect on your dream as if it were a rebus, look at it from different angles. What thoughts come to you? Maybe you do not have enough warmth and affection from your husband? Do you want your husband to be jealous? Do you have any fantasies that you are embarrassed to share? Come up with hypotheses - and your mind will answer you. The more resistance this or that assumption causes, the more intensively dig in this direction: this is a signal from the deep layers of your psyche.
18. “I don't want to ever get married. This is normal? And is it normal not to want children? "
It’s absolutely normal. Cultural norms and traditions are transformed over time, but the fear of inconsistency with stereotypes remains. Anything that pleases you and does not harm others is normal. Try to answer yourself why you don't want to get married. If this is not a fear of failure, not disappointment in the institution of marriage and motherhood, but your conscious position, then you have every right to it.
19. “Can a psychologist really help? He's not even a doctor! "
The truth can. But it is important to know the difference between a psychologist and a psychotherapist. Psychologists can diagnose and advise. And psychotherapists are those who intervene in the psyche in order to help. In any case, both those and other specialists are needed: the soul can also be sick and need help.
20. “Psychologists have their own psychologists. That is, they cannot provide support to themselves?
Passing through oneself the problems and stories of different people is not an easy job, because the inner resource can be exhausted. Therefore, psychologists need supervisors - senior colleagues in experience. They help to look at the situation of clients with a fresh perspective, you can share your own experiences with them and get support. Mental hygiene is important for everyone, and we psychologists are also real people.
Universal advice: "What if I feel that something is wrong with me?"
- Look for the reason for this feeling, think about it from different angles.
- Reflect on your childhood, on the words heard about you then and now.
- Analyze not only the past, but also the present.
Your task is not to worry or be ashamed, but to find the irritant that provokes such thoughts. Be happy!
Do you experience any of the problems discussed in your conversation with Catherine? Did the advice help you, or maybe you had your own tactics for getting out of a difficult situation? Do you yourself have such questions that you would be embarrassed to discuss with a psychologist or psychotherapist?
The material is published for educational purposes and is not a recommendation. ForumDaily Woman is not responsible for any diagnosis made by the reader based on the materials of the site, as well as for the consequences of self-medication, and may not share the point of view of the author or expert.
