17 essential questions to ask each other before the wedding
'18.01.2020'
Source: Life hacker
Psychologist Andrea Bonaire offers each couple to discuss these things before stamping their passports. Lifehacker.
As a psychologist and presenter of a column of tips, I have met many unhappy married people. In some cases, crises led to problems: loss of loved ones, difficulties in raising children, unexpected illnesses, or financial failures. But in others, difficulties initially appeared as daily conflicts due to incompatibility.
If you plan to connect life with another person or even just start living together, you need to deal with the controversial issues below. None of them should be considered as a reason for a break, because love can become a motivation for working on relationships. But if you find problems in advance, you can save your union.
1. What differences do you like now and can start to annoy after five years?
The irony of romantic love is that at first in the partner traits that are opposite to your own can attract. Its spontaneity seems exciting because you are used to living according to plan. Her tendency to relax with a slight malaise looks great, because you force yourself to work even with the flu.
Other habits associated with biorhythms, careers or hobbies attract with their exoticism and novelty. But your own may ultimately prevail. And then what used to fascinate will begin to annoy.
2. How do you experience stress together and individually?
What does your partner do when he gets stuck in traffic? How does it behave if you do not get enough sleep? What if his parents have sudden health problems?
At the beginning of the relationship, both of you try to behave exemplary. But this makes it difficult to understand how each of you reacts to pressure. And over the years of marriage, there will be many.
It’s even more important to understand how the two of you react to stress. Retreat and isolate yourself or deal with him as a team?
3. How does your partner feel about drugs, alcohol, and gambling?
Of course, addiction to drugs and gambling can occur suddenly. But most often, potential dependence can be foreseen - you are just afraid or do not want to notice it. Or, while you are young, endless parties seem the norm. When you get children, an alliance with an incorrigible party-goer will no longer look like such a good idea.
Take a look at your partner now. The sooner you notice potential problems, the more likely they are to be successfully resolved.
4. How do you get along in everyday life?
Imagine that next to you is not a loved one, but just a roommate. How well do you get along? Do you coincide in choosing a comfortable temperature and sleep mode? How do you resolve issues related to cleaning, cooking, home improvement, pets and guests? Who keeps accounts and who calls plumbing if the toilet breaks? These are, although prosaic, but very important questions.
On the subject: Budget, responsibilities and children: 14 financial issues for a couple in a serious relationship
5. What do you think of children?
It is clear that before going to the registry office, you need to find out whether you want both children or not. However, it is important to discuss the details.
Suppose each of you vaguely represents himself as the parent of two children. But what if the other absolutely wants to have one child? But what if you face infertility? Will you continue to try to get pregnant or take the baby from the shelter? You need to dig deeper and explore all the nuances.
6. How much and often do you discuss relationships with others?
At the beginning of the novel, it is normal to share experiences with friends and relatives. Marriage changes everything. Therefore, it is important to understand whether it will be considered cheating if the wife talks about sexual problems to her friend. Or if the husband asks for family advice from his mother.
There are no correct answers to these questions. But the more yours match, the easier it will be for you two.
7. How do you respond to the conflict?
Learn conflict management styles for your couple. Perhaps someone always apologizes first? Maybe the other is arguing all the time? Or does one need to scream and swear, and the second just to be in silence and cool? Think about how you can improve the situation.
A healthy relationship requires honest and respectful communication, without play, passive aggressiveness, the transition to personality and violence.
8. How do you feel about each other's relatives?
You do not have to admire the family of the chosen one. But you need to make sure that he is pleased with your relationship with his family.
It is also worthwhile to understand what to do if the partner cannot stand his parents, and you like them. Or if he wants to spend a vacation with his relatives, and you do not. What role will they play in raising your unborn children? But what if they need help or money? Or, conversely, they will start giving money to you?
Often during the preparation for the wedding, the first family squabbles arise. Use them as an opportunity to practice in a relationship.
9. Do you expect something to change?
I heard so often from those whose marriage is falling apart: “She was always selfish, but I thought that everything will change when the children appear” or “He was never a responsible person with money. But I thought that one day we will have a house and it will grow. "
Do you think that the partner will magically become a different person after the stamp in the passport, with the advent of children, pets, mortgages, serious work, or just over time? Think again.
Perhaps it will be so, but the desire should come from him, and not from you. If you still decide to tie the knot, accept the chosen one as he is.
10. How do you feel about money?
The more your financial views differ, the more intense your relationship will be. Here it is important how much each of you wants to buy a large apartment, how much you plan to put aside, how much you are ready to lend to friends or relatives, to tip the courier.
The more honestly you discuss these issues, the stronger the foundation of your union will be.
11. How much do you both need free time?
Everyone has a different need for loneliness and communication with friends. If the couple has understanding and respect, then these differences can be overcome. But if one night hanging out with friends, the other is sad at home, and both do not discuss the situation, too many grievances will accumulate.
On the subject: The game of rebuses: how to answer the main life questions
12. What do you think of work?
Dismissal, career changes, or other work-related issues affect the family. So it’s worth answering the following questions. Is there a person in the couple whose work is more significant: in terms of salary, prestige, employment, or simply by attachment to it? What will happen if he loses it? Do you think that someone will make money, while someone will sit with children? What happens if one of you gets promoted, decides to continue training or change your profession?
Of course, you won’t calculate everything in advance. But the more your ideas coincide, the easier it will be to deal with difficulties in the future.
13. What level of intimacy with others is acceptable for you?
Flirting style, emotional closeness with colleagues, relationships with friends - people differ in all these parameters. Of course, a shy woman without male friends can be happy next to the Don Juan, flirting with every waitress. But only if both accept each other's behavior.
Think about whether it will suit you if your partner sends emojis to a colleague while you are together in bed? Wouldn't it hurt if he met the ex / ex without warning you?
Each pair must define boundaries. If you pretend that everything is in order, then you only increase the feeling of betrayal.
14. What is your attitude to religion?
It may seem that religion does not greatly affect everyday life. But the nuances are important. How will you celebrate the holidays? Do you intend to attend temples or holy places with children? What happens if one of you becomes more or less religious?
15. Where do you plan to live?
Most people have a guess where they want to settle. Perhaps in the current city, perhaps in the city of childhood or where parents live. And it’s okay if one adjusts to the other. But when one has a clear idea of the place of residence, and the second does not want to finally decide or even changes his mind, expect a disaster.
16. How do you feel about physical attractiveness?
I saw a lot of couples who were experiencing difficult changes in appearance. This includes everything: hygiene, weight, fit, clothing, hairstyle, age-related deformations.
Ideally, before marriage, you have already seen each other in the most unsightly way. But what if your spouse's appearance or appearance changes dramatically after? How should you talk about these changes? And how much should a change in style depend on the opinion of another?
17. Does everything suit you in sex?
Some couples only enter into an intimate relationship after the wedding. But even in this case, it is important to understand what role sex will play in life together.
For most, sexual models take root earlier. So you need to answer a lot of questions. For example, what happens if passion subsides? How do you both feel about pornography? Are your sexual appetites different? Who usually initiates sex and is it comfortable with you? Does one of the partners use intimacy as a form of power?
Often sex at the beginning of a relationship is so good that it masks other problems. But if he himself becomes a problem, it is extremely important to talk about it.
